i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
