I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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