dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
