I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
