He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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