i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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