I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
