She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
