So drunk its hurt
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
