You smell like a Billy Joel song
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
