i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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