I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So gin and wine won't be happening again
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
