We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
