I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize