i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
