I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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