my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
