i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
