I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
