if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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