swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
