I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
