You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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