The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
