my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
