i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
