ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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