I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
