I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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