Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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