Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The struggles of a small town man whore
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
