All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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