either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
