I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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