hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
