I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
