I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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