Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
