We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
