WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
