i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize