I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
