I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
