Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
