And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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