from now on my penis is your penis
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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