It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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