The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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