Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Can I color on your dick again?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
