im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
