Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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