Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
