Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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