I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
